Neighborhood
Watch by Marcus Tremain
In an age of hard times my father was a hard
man. His muscles and sinew were taught with not an ounce of fat on his wiry
form. His face chiseled by the winds, his eyes deep set in his skull were dark
and joyless and no matter how often he shaved there always seemed to be the suggestion
of a five o’clock shadow permanently etched upon his jowls. He had not always
been like this though it was hard now to conjure the memories of his warmth
and laughter. Something had broken inside him when mother had died.
Once I asked my father what had truly changed
from his life before the war. I expected him to talk about the lack of running
water, heating sewage or the many comforts of my early youth. For instance
young though I was, I still remember piping hot water flowing into steaming
baths and the warmth that seemed to penetrate your very bones. He stopped and
looked through the open window pausing in concentrated thought.
“Listen what do
you hear?”
Somewhat puzzled
I answered “Nothing, what do you mean?”
“Listen again”.
This time I remained motionless letting the stillness wash over me. I heard
bird song, then from a great distance a dog barking intermittently and finally
the hum of insects each separate sound clear and distinct as I plucked them
from the rhythm of the environment outside.
He lent back
into the well-worn leather of his armchair.
“What I notice
now is the silence. I never realized until it was gone how deafening the old
world was.”
I wondered if it
wasn’t only the absence of the cars, planes, leaf blowers and the deafening
cacophony of noise from all the machines of that age that he was referring to
or if the silence was also due to the passing of mother.
I left the house at first light and headed
towards the old golf club father called out “Mind where you step son” as he
always did. It was a bit of an in joke between us something we shared in a
relationship of mostly nonverbal communication. The street where we lived was
essentially abandoned. Several houses were already partially collapsed rubble
and debris spilled onto the front yards now entangled with thorn bushes and weeds.
I watched carefully for movement there were a lot of squirrels in the trees
here and they made for good eating. That wasn’t my target today though I had
sweeter things in mind.
I soon approached the old school on my right where the town major now lived. The old golf course sat behind a tall metal fence now completely covered by vines and topped by taller trees and bushes. I needed to follow the bend for some distance before I found the gap and squeezed through like I had done a thousand times before. I put my backpack on the ground and pulled out the .22 revolver that father had given me for hunting. I lay down flat on my stomach and waited. I had been there motionless not less than 30 minutes when I saw the ears of the first rabbit come into view. The distance was not great and ammunition was a precious commodity in the community our defacto currency in fact so I hesitated and suddenly it was gone. I sighed and sat up, sometimes you could just feel it would not be your day I was thinking of switching my target back to easier game in the form of squirrels when I saw her.
I don’t think I will ever forget the moment, there was an almost dream like quality to her movement as she seemed to glide towards me. She was blond and tanned in the manner of most who spend their time in the California sun. She looked near my age possibly 19 at the most, but it was her smile that caught me and demanded all of my attention. Onward she strode with a confidence I had rarely seen in one her age. She held out her hand
I soon approached the old school on my right where the town major now lived. The old golf course sat behind a tall metal fence now completely covered by vines and topped by taller trees and bushes. I needed to follow the bend for some distance before I found the gap and squeezed through like I had done a thousand times before. I put my backpack on the ground and pulled out the .22 revolver that father had given me for hunting. I lay down flat on my stomach and waited. I had been there motionless not less than 30 minutes when I saw the ears of the first rabbit come into view. The distance was not great and ammunition was a precious commodity in the community our defacto currency in fact so I hesitated and suddenly it was gone. I sighed and sat up, sometimes you could just feel it would not be your day I was thinking of switching my target back to easier game in the form of squirrels when I saw her.
I don’t think I will ever forget the moment, there was an almost dream like quality to her movement as she seemed to glide towards me. She was blond and tanned in the manner of most who spend their time in the California sun. She looked near my age possibly 19 at the most, but it was her smile that caught me and demanded all of my attention. Onward she strode with a confidence I had rarely seen in one her age. She held out her hand
“I’m Daisy” Her nose creased in apparent annoyance “You do speak
don’t you?” Her voice broke the spell long enough for me to reply “Sorry I’m
John I don’t think I’ve seen you around before”
“No I’m just
passing through” She smiled somewhat mischievously this time.
“Passing
through?” I asked somewhat incredulously.
“I’m here with
my father for the market tomorrow he’s a trader from up north.”
I gave a half
smile of comprehension.
“You must have
traveled a long way.” I said weakly. She appeared to be aware of the effect
she was having on me and smiled again this time with the hint of a pout.
“You been far?”
“When I was very
young with my father, but I can’t say I remember too much about it now.”
“What do you
remember?”
“Been down to
the beach and along the coast. Up Topanga canyon there’s a guy who’s got an off
grid place and we all go up there a couple of times a year to listen to the
radio.” I seemed to have caught her interest.
“What news did
you hear?”
“Well it was a
while ago now, but I hear that there’s a new President. Says he’s going to
reunite the states bring back power and water to every home in the country”
She snorted “They
all say that, but not one of them has made a move out of Washington since the
war, a lot of hot air if you ask me.” I didn’t know what to say to that.
“I suppose
you’re right, the old timers say much the same.”
“Well they’re
right about something then.” And she laughed. It is a sound I can still hear
when I close my eyes, a sound bereft of malice the closest thing to innocence
in this changed world.
“Nice meeting
you, but I’ve gotta go help father, see you around.”
I waved at her
retreating form still slightly in shock, watching her graceful movements as she
drifted away. It was sometime before I finally stood up and made my way back
home.
As the sun set I looked down the street at
two old cars crouched like giant insects as the last rays of sun hit their
rusted hoods touching them with fire, but for a brief moment in time seemingly
alive and watchful before receding into darkness. I always marveled at the
thought that these metal beasts once moved at speed through the shining
highways of my childhood. The last vehicle I had seen was nearly ten years ago
and was part of a long military convoy heading to refuel at the Long beach
refinery on the way to the border of the Republic of Northern California as it
was now called. It had been a few years since I had seen a plane either and
that too was military and as I gazed at its sleek silhouette I found myself
wondering whether father had worked on that very plane during his days as an
engineer at Lockheed Martin. Although unlikely everything seemed possible now.
That was the most unexpected lesson that love had taught me that everything
either was or could be connected. The random nature of the universe was at last
defied and all things were joined by a silver thread. But for a series of
unlikely events that caused a man and his daughter to travel a thousand miles
or more to this little insignificant speck in the abandoned metropolis that was
once Los Angeles I might never have known her. The wonder of that was akin to a
spiritual revelation in my young mind.
My father was in
the kitchen sharpening a row of knives on the counter top. His movements were
precise almost robotic. Without looking up he said matter-of-factly
“No Rabbits
today?”
“Only saw one,
the range wasn’t right”.
“Squirrel stew
again then it is” he said with the suggestion of a smile the closest he ever
got to laughter these days.
I lay there that night thinking of her
drinking in every fleeting memory. At least I knew her name and that she would
likely be at the market the next day. I reached under the bed and pulled out
the old tin where I kept my valuables such as they were. 30 rounds of .22
ammunition and another 10 rounds of various calibers I had collected in trade
over the years. A couple of furs from some coyotes that I had shot a few years
back not much even for those sparse times, but likely enough to make a few
trades and hopefully enough to make an impression on Daisy’s father. In the
morning I waited for my father to finish breakfast going to the Sunday market
was one of our weekly rituals, but he waved me on “Got a few things to take
care of this morning I’ll catch up later, if you see a good hammer though
reserve it for me”. I couldn’t wait to get out the door and before it slammed
he called out again.
“Don’t let those traders fleece you son, especially the
northern ones”.
“I won’t dad” I
called back.
I couldn’t believe
my luck not having him tag along would make things so much easier. The closer I
got the more nervous I was. I was almost at the old school house that faced
onto the farmers market when I hesitated and then froze. Somehow I could not
summon the will to move forward. Straining my eyes I could not see Daisy and
guessed her stall must be somewhere near the end.
I don’t recall at
the time what I bought or even what I paid. I put the purchases in my bag
feeling somewhat pleased with myself when I felt a tug on my arm I looked
behind and there was father staring at me.
“Come with me
now” he said his voice barely a whisper. I was about to argue, but one look at
his face stopped me. His face was dark with anger and with an intensity that I
had never seen in him before. He didn’t wait for my reaction striding purposely
away.
I looked at
daisy and she shot me back a puzzled look. I gestured an apology with my hands
and turned to look at father, but he had already gone.
I was angry at father I knew how he had
suffered over the years, but I had never wanted anything like this before. As I
hurried home that anger intensified into a fury. He at least owed me an
explanation. I flung open the front door and slammed it behind me. It took five
minutes or so before I realized the house was empty. My father didn’t socialize.
Oh he nodded to the neighbors and made small talk in between jobs, but never
spent longer than he needed to appear polite. I didn’t take long to figure out
where he had gone and somewhat calmer now I went to see if my hunch was right.
I stood at the corner and looked down
Wilshire in the direction of the sea. Once a mighty road that lead into the
heart of what had been one of the greatest examples of urban sprawl was now a
carpet of green punctuated with slivers of dark asphalt and strewn with the
rusting hulks of abandoned vehicles. I strained my neck and stared upwards at
the steel tower before me wrapped with vines, green growth exuding from the
gaping holes that had once held giant sheets of glass. A bird flew out of a six
story window and a squirrel leapt lithely onto a ledge a floor below. A few
blocks down there was the bar. That’s what everyone called it not the Phoenix
as the owner named it. I saw him sitting at the bar a lone figure staring into
his drink. This is where he would always disappear once a year and like most
things though we never discussed it I’d worked out that was when mother had
passed. That wasn’t today though and it was another indication that whatever
was eating him up was serious. I ordered an ale and sat two stools down from
him. Not wanting to break the silence so soon I inspected my glass the dark
amber liquid was heavy with sediment. We both sat for maybe ten minutes neither
of us directly acknowledging each other’s presence. Then he turned his head and spoke to me.
“Son I want to
tell you a story” his words were ever so slightly slurred. I rarely saw him
even close to being drunk. He always drank alone at night long after I had gone
to bed.
“Many years ago
now” he waved his drink in my direction
“When you were
still in nappies” he gave a half smile then carried on
“I was driving
to work. I remember that it was a beautiful day, as perfect as it gets in this
part of the world. I had the window down, the radio on and the music was
playing. I was cruising along, I was in the zone.” He paused a moment then
looked back at me.
“Of course you don’t
know what I mean because that was then and this is now and now is a very
different world son. Still you can understand at least that it was a moment
when things felt so good that you were untouchable, just riding a sweet wave. I
passed an intersection and all I could hear is some arse hole tooting his horn.
I don’t know if I had cut him off or what he was shouting about. I do remember
I shouted something back as he accelerated past and gave me the finger. So I got
into work trying reclaim my mood, then I saw his car, a brand new BMW parked in
the lot. I was at my desk most of the day then I saw him come out of the conference
room. He looked straight at me with the biggest smirk on his face. I’ll never
forget that expression until the day I die. Next day I’m told I’m being made
redundant. My boss didn’t even have the balls to say it to my face. Twenty
years at the same company then they throw me on the scrap heap. The next part
of the story you know all too well. We had taken on a lot of debt and your
mother had quit her job a year before to be a full time mum to you. We had no
choice, but to move to that shitty apartment downtown. Then she got sick.”
He
slammed his glass down on the counter.
“One moment in time
and everything changes and suddenly your whole world spins on a dime.”
It took awhile
for me to gather my thoughts. I’d always been hungry for knowledge about the
family and the past. This though wasn’t the time I wanted to hear it.
“Why now dad?
Why tell me now? What possible connection does this have to anything that’s
going on now? Why did you have to embarrass me in front of Daisy?
He looked at me solemnly.
“You love her don’t
you?”
“Yes I think I
do.” I said with some force. He turned away again and gestured at the barman
for another drink. I waited sometime for him to continue until I realized that
I was now dismissed in his eyes.
“I’ve tried Dad I’ve
really tried.” I got up quickly as I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I didn’t
want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me like that.
Although my mind
was in turmoil thoughts of her gave me clarity and purpose and I slept deeply
that night.
As soon as it was light I snuck out of the
house. I took care to bring my usual canvas bag with the revolver so that it
would look like I had gone hunting when father found me gone. Perhaps in a way
I was hunting I smiled to myself. I don’t know what had gotten into father,
something had triggered him, but I couldn’t figure out what. Most likely he was
sleeping it off and wouldn’t be awake for some time. When I got there I could
see that the wagons were still unhitched from the horses. Two of them were
almost brand new with freshly painted wood, but several of them were old trucks
their original wheels substituted for wooden wagon wheels, their engine blocks
removed and their metal chassis stripped down to minimize weight.
The traders were just emerging from their
wagons and stretching in the cool morning air. There was no sign of Daisy
though. I felt momentary panic until I saw her father his distinct bald patch
marking him from behind. The curtains were drawn at the front of their truck,
but there was no sign of her there either. I didn’t feel comfortable asking her
Dad and I couldn’t just stand there loitering either. I don’t why, but driven
more by instinct than logic I made my way through the gap in the fence and into
the open field in the old golf course and then I spotted her. She smiled as I
approached
“Thought I might
find you here” she said still smiling, “But what’s up with your Dad?”
“Damned if I
know never seen him like that before”
“Sign of the
times, parents tend to get a bit protective these days I guess”. I didn’t reply
just smiled sheepishly back at her.
“I always wonder
how places like this survived, I mean what keeps people here when everyone else
left?”
Suddenly I felt
I was in comfortable territory as I replied
“Same as
everywhere else I guess. Water. There are underground springs which bubble up into a small creek near
the old golf Club. When it comes down to it that’s the only real
essential”
“So how did you
end up here anyway?” She asked keeping her eyes unnervingly focused on mine.
“My uncle left
for Australia just as things were getting bad and he gave his house to my dad
for safekeeping. That was a few years back now and we’ve not heard from him
since.”
“And your Mum?”
“My Dad lost his
job and we had to move to another part of town. Turns out it was the epicenter
of the epidemic. It was all we could afford then. She didn’t last long once it
took hold.” She nodded sadly, but didn’t seem surprised and waited for me to
continue.
Then partly to
change the subject I asked her “And your mother is she back home in northern
California?”
“Oh I’ve no idea
where she is. She ran off with some guy before things fell apart. She could see
the writing on the wall long before anyone else I’ll give her that. I doubt she
even cared for him he was just a convenient way out. I’m sure she is still
alive somewhere she was always pretty good at taking care of herself.”
“Tough on your
dad”
“I’ll be honest
with you I think it hurt his pride more than anything else. Sure he loved her
in his way, but he was married to his job and back then no one seemed to stop
and think about the here and now everyone was just chasing a dream”.
“Never thought
about it like that before. If it weren’t for mother passing I sometimes wonder
if dad might not have preferred this life.”
“We were both
too young to remember much, but I like the life on the road. I think I might
have been bored living back then.” I looked at her longingly and she pretended
not to notice.
“I wish I could
join you, nothing really changes here.”
She smiled that
smile of hers again and softly stroked my cheek.
“Then why don’t you?”
“I couldn’t just
up and leave Dad.”
“He’s old enough
to look after himself isn’t he? Besides it wouldn’t be forever. Take the route
up north stay a while then come right back when the next traders go south.” She
saw my look of doubt then said
“Hey think about
it OK. This girl doesn’t make offers like this every day. I’m leaving in around
two hours. Meet me by the school if decide you want to come. Either way no hard
feelings.”
She took my hand gently for just a moment then leaned forward and
kissed me softly on the lips before walking slowly away. I was physically
stunned and it took me a while before I could move again. If ever I had any
doubts about what I was about to do they vanished in that moment.
When she picked me up in the wagon I was surprised
to see that it was another trader’s until she explained that her father Jason had
to take care of some business first. He would
travel separately and we would all meet up at a small town just before the
great Bakersfield desert.
I soon fell into
the rhythm of the journey. Daisy taught me how to care for the horses and how
to load and unload the wagons as we stopped at several small towns on our slow
journey to San Joaquin Valley. We waited a long time for her father to re-join in the
end we had to wave goodbye to the traders who carried on north. Not that I
minded we made love every night under the stars and woke to the cold desert
morning wrapped in the cocoon of our love.
It was a long time after, maybe three months
before I happened upon a trader who had passed through Brentwood. I was sitting
at the bar when he came in, it was fortunate that Daisy was at away that
evening. At first he didn’t know either Jason or my father by name, but he did
know that a trade wagon had been found abandoned on the road its owner nowhere
to be found. The strange thing was that apart from a missing horse all the
goods had been left untouched. Around the same time a local had up and left
some say he was looking for his missing son.
Some weeks after that I had been
out hunting and it was getting late.
I could barely see anything outside of the
immediate glow of the campfire, but I knew it was him even before he stepped
into the circle of light.
“Dad?” He didn’t
reply just sat down watching me wearily. I sighed and looked back at him
watching the firelight reflected in his eyes. I wanted to hug him then, wanted
to cry ask him why he did it. Still I did none of those things just sat
silently on the cold hard ground and waited.
“I had to do
what I did”
“But why?” I
asked with all of the desperation and pain filling my voice.
“Things have
come full circle son. He was there for a reason… I, you were there for a
reason.” He wanted to go on fighting an internal struggle that had begun when
my mother lay dead on a dirty mattress on the wrong side of the tracks and had
not ended more than a decade later.
“When I first
saw him, I knew immediately its almost like he had not changed at all, but you
know what hurt the most?” he didn’t wait for a reply, but rambled on.
“That he didn’t
know me probably doesn’t even remember what he did. Like swatting a fly that
lands on your wrist. That he could end my life on a whim, destroy the only
person that I ever cared about and then know nothing of it. Without you son I
wouldn’t have made it through. There’s a part of her in you then he was going
to take that from me too… “
I knew who he
meant of course all the pieces of the puzzle was starting to come together, his
conversation with me in the phoenix and his strange behavior before that.
“Dad its not
like that..” He couldn’t stop now too many years holding it in and so I let him
carry on.
“Its not that I
ever stopped thinking about your mother, every night and every day she’s with
me, but with time it fades, the numbness spreads and the pain becomes bearable.
The day I saw him the wound was ripped open and it felt fresh almost like the
first time.”
There were tears in his eyes now I don’t think I ever remember him
crying not on the outside anyway.
“I suppose I
should almost thank him for that. She was there with me again I remembered her
face, her hair, her voice. Your mother always had a beautiful voice even near
the end.”
“There are just
some things you can’t walk away from son. I won’t say what I did was right I
can’t say he even deserved it.” He was quiet again seemingly reflective.
“Back in those
days you’d hear about these things in the news and shake your head. Another
crazy who just couldn’t live with the world anymore, one more homicide
statistic. These times are forged anew and people now find their own sense of
justice. I’m not proud of what I’ve done I just did what I had to do.”
“You killed him
then?” He was silent for a moment.
“It was dark,
but I’m pretty sure I got him.”
He started
coughing then in a prolonged fit that ended with him spitting blood into the
dust. It was then that I noticed how pale he was, his skin waxen and drained of
blood. He sat awkwardly against the flatbed truck one shoulder was secured with
a makeshift bandage of torn cloth. It was as if he had given everything of
himself to get here and tell me this and now the strength was flowing rapidly
out of him. I reached
forward to hold him and he fell into my arms, limp and almost weightless. I
felt the wetness of his blood soaked shoulder and he shivered one last time
before the life left him. I don’t know how long I held him in my arms sobbing,
but it must have been some hours later when Daisy arrived with a blanket and
wrapped it around me. We buried him that night in silence the stars bearing mute
witness to our efforts.
We didn’t speak
the next day, but she held my hand whenever we were close squeezing it gently
to let me know she was there. I looked into her beautiful grey eyes and the look
of pity and concern I saw there melted my heart. I don’t think I could have
loved her more in that moment. She must have wondered what had happened to Jason
and one day I would have to tell her, one day, but not today.